Healing

Somehow, we all managed to start going through the daily motions of life, but there was no life in it. We were in shock. When we came out of shock, we mourned. We were angry and bitter and hurt. But somehow, things were different than they would have been pre-John. Instead of distancing our selves from each other, we clung to each other and relied on each other. We loved each other.

Several months later I was sitting in my favorite lawn chair in the back yard on a cool -- okay, hot and muggy -- morning, drinking a cup of coffee and smoking what I promised myself was my last cigarette. A shadow passed over me and Pete sat down in the chair next to me, handing me a book. It was a Bible.

"What's this?" I asked.

Pete shrugged. "I've been going through John's stuff. He left one for each of us. There should be a letter inside."

My eyes filled with tears and Pete reached over to take my hand.

"So tell me," I said, sniffing. "What's happened? I have to be honest. I expected you to react...differently. But here you are...good ol' Pete. No, better than the old Pete." And it was true. Pete was a different person. He was our rock, our leader. We could count on him. It was a little disconcerting, but really nice too.

"John and I talked a lot that last week. About choices. I've realized these past few weeks that I had a choice -- I could drown myself in guilt for the rest of my life or I could honor John's sacrifice and actually live this new life that was handed to me. What he did was amazing and I want to be that kind of person -- I want to have the capacity for that kind of love." He nodded at the Bible in my lap. "I got one too. I've been reading it. Maybe we can all figure this life thing out after all."

I shook my head, but squeezed Pete's hand. "No," I said. "I don't think I'll ever figure it out. But we can learn how to live it, maybe. And be grateful for it."

Pete raised my hand to his lips and kissed it softly. His eyes were still sad, but held more of smile than I'd seen in a long time. "Maybe you're right," he said.